My Stage Fright Recovery Story — Until I Overcame Stage Fright After 9 Years of Suffering
My Stage Fright Recovery Story — Until I Overcame Stage Fright After 9 Years of Suffering
It took me a total of 9 years of trial and error to cure my severe stage fright after realizing I had it. I have written down the journey from discovering my stage fright to its complete recovery, so I hope you find it helpful.
[Chapter 1: Four Years in the Dark] The Day My Beloved Music Turned into “Terror"
2004
By a twist of fate, I started taking classical guitar lessons. I hadn’t studied music as a child, couldn’t read sheet music, and didn’t understand tempo—it was a terrible start. I managed to play “The Butterfly" safely at the recital in my first year of classical guitar lessons.
2005
However, at my second recital the following year, the fear of “What if I can’t play well?" crept in right before the performance. And when I picked up the guitar and tried to play… my fingers suddenly started trembling so uncontrollably that I couldn’t play a single piece properly to the end. Overwhelmed by sheer misery and shame, I felt the urge to leave the guitar right there and run away from the venue.
Every year after that, my classical guitar recitals ended in disastrous results due to stage fright.
2008
Although I switched to vocal music, my stage fright only worsened instead of getting better.
While singing, my hands and legs shook violently, my mind went completely blank, my voice cracked and sounded breathy, and in the lower register, it sounded rough and gravelly—I also began suffering from symptoms of laryngeal dystonia (spasmodic dysphonia).
Starting a week before the performance, I was plagued by unexplainable anxiety and dread. As the performance day drew closer, this anxiety and fear escalated rapidly, reaching its climax on the day of the event.
On the day, despite practicing so hard every day, I suffered a crushing defeat, thinking, “After all that practice…"
“What on earth am I spending my money and time learning vocal music for?" — I spent my days asking myself such empty questions.
Seeing my classmates in the same class singing with cool, unbothered expressions completely untouched by stage fright, I harbored complex emotions blending envy and jealousy: “Why do I have to go through this?"
I repeated these empty days for 4 long years.
[Chapter 2: The Turning Point] Abandoning “Guts Theory" and Encountering Psychotherapy
2009
Thinking, “I’m getting nervous because I’m not used to singing in front of people. If I just get used to performing in front of audiences, the stage fright will go away," I diligently threw myself into performances.
I participated in annual recitals, bi-annual mini-recitals, competitions, and live events open to amateurs… However, instead of improving, my stage fright worsened steadily.
Ultimately, I was driven to a level of tension where I felt like I might faint on stage.
In my 4th year of accumulating stage experience, I finally reached a shocking realization that made me feel like collapsing right there on the spot: “Accumulating stage experience is completely useless against stage fright. If anything, it only makes it worse."
2010
Thanks to being beaten down to rock bottom, a strong “determination" awakened within me:“If it’s come to this, I’ll do something about it myself!"
Possessed by that thought, I first began devouring any literature I could lay my hands on that might help overcome stage fright: Psychology books, counseling texts, neurosciences, academic papers, neuroscience books for laymen, neuroscience textbooks for medical students, and so on… Regardless of what it was, as long as it seemed relevant, I spent my days greedily reading through it.
Then, one day, I found a passage that explained the cause of my stage fright: It stated, “A neural cluster in the brain called the 'amygdala’ compares past situations with current ones. When it judges a situation as 'dangerous,’ it commands the body to secrete stress hormones for 'fight or flight.’ Receiving the command, the body secretes stress hormones, making the sympathetic nervous system dominant and altering bodily functions.
This “altering bodily functions" matched my stage fright symptoms precisely—heavy sweating, trembling hands and legs, severe palpitations, and so forth.
“That means my 'amygdala’ is comparing this to past situations and judging a recital to be 'dangerous.’ In that case, what I need to do to overcome stage fright is to explore the 'past’?" — My understanding leaped forward all at once.
Later, while practicing an American-derived therapy called “Focusing" found in a counseling textbook, a certain “therapy" based on Focusing suddenly descended upon me.
I don’t know the exact time it took to develop, but in a matter of seconds, the method of therapy just flashed into my mind out of nowhere. I didn’t know what had happened to me and remember standing completely dazed for a while.
When I used that “therapy" to explore the root cause of my stage fright, a specific “past" memory flashed brightly back to life.
It was the memory of a sad incident when I was in the 1st grade of elementary school: two unfamiliar older girls suddenly surrounded me on my way home from school and picked a fight with me.
My brain had overlapped the gazes of those two older girls who picked a fight back then with the gazes of the audience gathered at the recital hall, and had been issuing the command: “It’s dangerous, run away!"
From here, the process of unraveling the “past" that caused my stage fright progressed rapidly. The more I used that “therapy," the more my brain recalled other “past" events and taught me the causes.
[Chapter 3: Four Years of Experimentation and Recovery] A Method Born from Using Myself as an Experiment
I named the “therapy" Magic Therapy, inspired by the words of the first person who experienced it: “It’s so simple? It’s like my trauma vanished 'as if by magic’."
Based on the theory that “The reason I am deathly afraid of the audience’s gaze is because of the 'Upperclassmen Girls Feud Incident’ from when I was in the 1st grade of elementary school" — “Therefore, all I need to do is heal the fear, sadness, and anger I felt back then," every time I healed a trauma, I felt less fear toward the audience’s gaze at the next recital.
Yet, it wasn’t complete. I still felt like there was some other “cause" lurking—and when I used Magic Therapy with that thought, I recalled yet another cause: the “Homeroom Teacher Violence Incident."
When I was in the 4th grade of elementary school, my homeroom teacher flew into a rage because I forgot my homework.
In front of the entire class, he grabbed my hair and dragged me around the teacher’s podium—it was a nightmare-like incident.
This was the core cause that could be called the main stronghold of my scopaesthesia (fear of being stared at).
When I healed the various emotions I felt during this incident—sadness, anger, fear, misery, and frustration—using Magic Therapy, I finally stopped feeling any fear toward the audience’s gaze.
2011
At the next recital, I was able to fully embrace the gazes of the audience all around the hall—completely without fear.
Over the next 4 years of repeating Magic Therapy, my stage fright symptoms gradually subsided.
The final boss of my stage fright causes was the fear: “If I am not always perfect, no one will ever love me.“ When I healed this fear too with Magic Therapy, all of my stage fright symptoms and laryngeal dystonia completely vanished.
Even when standing on stage, I didn’t sweat, didn’t experience severe palpitations, had no intense anxiety or fear, my voice didn’t crack, and my hands and legs didn’t shake uncontrollably—filled with an unbelievable feeling of having achieved a “normal" state from an outsider’s perspective.
2012
The 2012 recital took place at the small hall of the Suntory Hall—truly a grand stage for an amateur like me.
The piece I chose was Sarah Brightman’s “Time to Say Goodbye," which I loved.
On stage, a “normal" me sang “normal." And while singing, I savored the joy of being able to be “normal".
Who could have imagined that just four years prior, I had completely bombed on stage? It took me four long years, but I finally became “normal."
[Chapter 4: My Future Mission] Next, It’s Your Turn for “Mental Tuning"
After that, there were times when my stage fright threatened to flare up again, but by healing the underlying beliefs that caused it, I became able to completely overcome my stage fright.
Having finally won and ended my long battle with stage fright, I suddenly thought, “What should I do from now on?" After the days of passionately healing past traumas that caused my stage fright using Magic Therapy came to an end, I began asking myself, “Isn’t it a waste to keep this wonderful therapy all to myself?"
Even so, days of hesitation followed: “Can I really do something like working for people suffering from stage fright and focal dystonia?"
I had never posted on social media or blogs, results wouldn’t come immediately, and wouldn’t I run out of breath and quit before that?—I spun around in circles worrying about things that couldn’t be helped.
Even so, as I did my best to open this site, started an unfamiliar blog, and quietly continued my activities, musicians began asking me for counseling consultations.
One day, I was talking with a musician suffering from focal dystonia.
Shedding large tears, they confessed: “Until now, I could never confide this suffering to anyone."
“I’ve finally found you who understands the suffering I couldn’t share with anyone."
Even for an amateur like me, the stage fright and spasmodic dysphonia I suffered and struggled with were terrible; for professional musicians, those worries and pains must be far more profound than mine.
Up until then, I had only thought about eliminating the symptoms of stage fright and focal dystonia.
That’s important too, but musicians are human beings before they are musicians. Listening to their worries and sufferings is also part of the treatment—I realized that.
Looking at the musician’s tears, I felt like my mind was finally made up at that moment.
Perhaps when I was stuck in a rut for years, I had a fear: “I can’t take responsibility for someone else’s life."
I realized I was just making excuses because I lacked confidence.
Even now, I don’t intend to say something irresponsible like, “I will take responsibility for your life."
However, having suffered and struggled for 9 years, I understand your pain better than anyone else.
Because it took me 9 years, I can guide you to smiles on stage via the shortest route. Just like maintaining a musical instrument, would you like to start tuning your mind together with me?
If you are interested in my psychotherapy, please feel free to contact me.